Not Quite Martha

a new perspective

Last week I melted. So much going on personally and professionally. I lost my shit completely. I am not proud of my actions or my words, but sometimes you just need to let it out. My friend A reminded me of something pretty important- "be compassionate with yourself". I think so often we try to be a certain way that we lose focus on whats important to us. Its pretty easy to lose perspective when you allow yourself to get to deep into your own issues.

I have put so much pressure on myself lately- pressure that frankly is impossible to attain the goals that I set for myself. I had certain ideas about the way things were supposed to be and to turn out.

In the process of this pressure, I have lost a major sense of rationale. I don't know how else to explain it. I just lost the ability to put things into perspective. A lot has happened to me and mine in the past 4 days, and luckily, I got my very own "snap out of it" that I needed.

Not only do I put pressure on myself, but I inadvertently put pressure on others to be something that they  might not be able to be. There isn't one particular person that this is aimed towards, but I have to remember that what is right for me right now, isn't necessarily the way that everyone else moves. Does that make sense? I have over time, drawn for myself a map of the way I want my life to be. This has come from tons of mistakes, judgment errors, and just generally life lessons. This mindset works for me, but is not necessarily applicable to others. And for that I apologize.

I apologize to a friend that I feel that I backed into a corner about something and now, well, that friendship has changed. I hope that at some point we can figure out a way to move forward and support each other as we both figure out the paths that we want to be on. I apologize to another friend for always dumping my shit on. When we became friends, you did not sign up to be my shrink, my career counselor and confidante. You are amazing and I appreciate your participation in my life.

So there you have it- I need to just relax and refocus.

Like a bad Barbra Striesand Song..

Enough is enough.

I think one gets to a certain point in their life,day, week, whatever and you realize you have had enough. You sit and deal with work. You deal with family, with friends, etc. And suddenly, you realize its all about everyone else, and not at all about you. Yes, there I go again having a Veruca Salt moment, but damnit, I am tired of always putting other peoples needs first. F that.

At work, I am the one who makes sure everything gets done. I balance about eleventy million things in the air, and am always waiting for something to come crashing down. I balance relationships between coworkers, clients, vendors, you name it. I am the girl in the middle. Seriously am tired of that.

In my personal life, I am the middle man. Until I moved to DC, I was always known as Cruise Director Kate- the one who is always putting the happy hours together, the lunches together, people together- you name it, I did it. Who ever stopped for one freaking second and said "let me help"- never happened. When I stopped doing stuff, did someone pick up where I left off? Barely. They just bitch and moan about me being gone, and how no one organizes anything anymore.

I am tired of waiting. I am tired of waiting on phone calls that arent going to happen, promotions that are invisible, and waiting for people to make up their damn minds. LIfe is too short to put limitations on yourself.

Enough. Its going to be a totally selfish, all about me weekend.

Routine

I swear it's all my mom's fault. She kept us to a very strict routine growing up and I admit, I still like certain organization and structure in my day. We had meal schedules, bedtimes, laundry day, you get the idea. There was a rhythm and flow to our lives.

Well as I became and adult that pretty much got pushed out of the door. I don't know if I got too busy, or too lazy, but I can't keep myself to a schedule if I tried. I wish I was one of those people that were a teensy more organized. I want to get back on a routine, I want to be more in control.

I was talking to my friend S the other day about control-when to be in control and when just to let things happen. I get the concept, but in reality the execution is a little harder. It seems to me that I have gotten the methodolgy reversed- I try to control the uncontrollables, and let the easy stuff go to the wayside. And to think I have always considered myself slightly intelligent- heh.

My plan this morning was to get up, go to Pilates, write my bills out, eat breakfast, and go to work.

So far, I have done NONE of those things, instead I am writting a blog entry about why I cant get my shit together.

Good to know I have my priorities in order.

AH HA!

I am a freaking idiot.

Aaron Sorkin wrote The American President.

Duh

The American President or West Wing...

I am sitting here tonight watching The American President. Martin Sheen is playing the Leo to Michael Douglas's President.

Anna Deavere Smith, who plays Nancy McNally on WW, is playing the CJ Craig role.

Joshua Malina is also on this... was this the genesis of West Wing?

and it begins

FOOTBALL COUNTDOWN

even more annoying

Link: is that I can now blog anywhere...

M is for Monogamy- or in Memorium

and I am not talking about the relationship kind. I love to get into great long-term relationships with bars. Yes, kiddo's I love me a good bar.

Since I have been legal, and well, a little bit before, I had a string of monogamous relationships with bars. I like to be the "Norm" of a bar, well without the alcoholic implications.

My first bar relationship was with BW3 in Mt. Pleasant, MI. My sorority sisters and I commandeered a table early on, and conducted most of our "business" from that location.

Then there was the French Outpost on Mackinac Island. This was probably my most significant relationship with a bar- started long before I was 21- The skill that it took to be able to drink there as a minor was just amazing. I met my best friend in the entire world there one night- I asked her if she could buy me a drink, and the rest they say is history. I made friends in this bar, passed out in this bar, fell in love at this bar. I have a particularly warm remembrance for this place- they had the BEST jukebox in the world- Hank Williams Jr, Fugees, Frank Sinatra, Indigo Girls, Def Leppard, etc. It was a cacophony of amazing sounds. The drinks they poured were strong, the food was amazing. The kinship leaves me almost without words. I can't tell you how many good nights we had there- my mind is racing with memories. I havent been back to that bar since 1999- I wonder if its still as good?

Wow- as I went looking for a link to post about the French Outpost, I found that it had been sold to the Grand Hotel. Part of the goodness of the OP was that is was separate from the Grand. At the end of the day, we could walk down the hill and have a drink or five. We could have the camaraderie of our coworkers, without being at work. Now that is gone. No more drinking at the OP, because its will still be part of work. No more complaining about work, because you cant complain at the job. Even though my time has been long since past, I feel that an era is officially over.

When I moved to Austin, I was fortunate enough to make friends pretty quickly and those friends had a local hangout that they went to with extreme regularity. It was called Aussies- a sports bar of sorts. Cheap drinks, decent food, and big tables- we must of went there 100's of times over a two year period. Finally, like anything else, we all started to grow apart and really never went back.

Then I found Mugshots- Oh Mugshots- where the drinks are cheap, the jukebox was awesome, and everyone knows your name. Loved this place- went more times than I care to admit over the course of a two year period. I walked in the door, and my drink was at "my stool"- It was a thing of beauty.

As much as I like to go out, I dont really enjoy bouncing from bar to bar- I like to be a regular, I like to go to a place that gives good service, and has a great atmosphere. I love the feeling that you know people when you go to a place. I am still trying to find my new local here in Arlington- there are multiple options, but not one that is quite home yet.

Cheers!

Sway with me, and Idiot Girls

Being the total loner that I am (heh), I escaped to the 'Bucks today at lunch time for a little ice tea, reading and high quality iPod iime. The book of choice- Laurie Notaro's We Thought You Would Be Prettier , the music, Dean Martin. The sun, oh it was a shining.

Picture this, girl sitting in the sunshine in suburban Silver Spring. Headphones on, big ass sunglasses perched on nose. Face buried in a book. Does any of this seem to say "please come talk to me?"

Didn't think so. I was sitting in the "middle" table outside- flanked by two other tables. There was an older gentleman sitting at the table in front of me. I noticed him briefly when I sat down, but not really thinking that the Starbucks would be a place to troll for hot men, I quickly dove into my book- Girl only has so much reading time at lunch. At one point, during a particularly funny essay, I found myself laughing outloud. Things happen. I look up to see if anyone was paying attention to me, and sure enough, older dude was staring at me. I proceeded to slide back into my book, but felt that someone was paying way more attention to me than necessary. After getting a few chapters knocked out, I look up, and see that my friend had gone. I unplugged myself from Pinky, and started to pack up. Not even TWO SECONDS LATER, dude comes up to me and asks me what I was reading. Then he asked me if I "come here often"- Christ on a Cracker- its Starbucks- I am at one every single day. THEN he asks me if I want to have lunch with him tomorrow. His name is Mustafa, like the guy in Austin Powers, and told me that he had been watching me for a few weeks. Weird. Totally weird. First thing, I had NEVER noticed this guy before, but I repeat, I dont generally troll for men at the Silver Spring Starbucks. Secondly, how strange is it that he asked me out without even talking to me. FINALLY, how BOLD.

Am I broken, is something wrong with me to think this is strange? All I wanted to do was listen to some Dean Martin, read my book and drink my daily midday dose of Passion Tea. Turns out I have a suitor.

How does this happen to me? Am I weird for thinking that its odd?

Discuss amongst yourselves.

a to z about me

come on, do it.. its fun

A - Available: Yes indeed
A - Age: 29
A - Annoyance: people that are late, and clip their nails in public

B - Best Friend: Caren- for a million years now
B - Bad Habit: Procrastinating
B - Birthday: March 8

C - Crush: Heh
C - Car: 2004 Saturn Ion
C - Cats: Animal free

D - Dead Pets Name: Licorice, Oats, Babe
D - Desk Top Picture: Cherry Blossoms
D - Dogs: Nope

E - Easiest person to talk to: too many to list
E - Eggs: Scrambled
E - Email: Would probably die without it.

F - Favorite color: Pink
F - Food: Quesidillas
F - Foreign Slang: Heh, again, dont want to get my butt kicked

G - Gummy Bears or Worms: Both disgusting
G - God: Are you there? Its me Margaret
G - Good Times: Great show :)

H - Hair Color: Medium brown this month
H - Height: 5'9
H - Happy: Most of the times yes

I - Ice Cream: Not worth the stomach ache
I - In school?: Yes, and thinking about going back
I - Introverted or Extroverted?: Extroverted

J - Jewelry: More please
J - Job: Software girl
J - Jokes: tell me more

K - Kids: Cant wait
K - Karate: As in Karate kid? Not a thing I even think to think about
K - Kung fu: Not my style, but amazing to watch.

L - Longest Car Ride: Grand Rapids, MI to Key West Florida
L - Longest relationship: over 2 years
L - Last phone call: Anne

M - Milk Flavor: skim milk with my cereal
M - Mothers Name: Judith Anne
M - Movie Last Watched: Kate and Leopold

N - Number of Siblings: Uno
N - Northern or Southern: Not sure anymore- I am a transient
N - Name: Kate Elizabeth

O - One Phobia: only one? I hate bridges, I dont like thunderstorms, and am not overly in love with escalators.
O - Open or Closed?: Open I suppose
O - Orgasm: Great blush color by Nars

P - Parents, are they married or divorced: Married.
P - Part of your jerking: I don't understand a word you just said.
P - Part of your personality you like best: I like to laugh

Q - Quote: "Respect is all to often demanded and not often enough times commanded" and "The glass is neither half full or half empty, the glass is twice as big as it should be...its all how you look at things."
Q - Question for the next person?: Does it really feel that good?
Q - Quick or Slow?: depends

R - Reality TV Show: Nope
R - Right or Left: Righty
R - Right now: Supposed to be working on a proposal

S - Song Last Heard: Nikka Costa- Bitterly
S - Season: Spring
S - Sport: How many days till football begins?

T - Time you woke up: 6:02am
T - Time Now: 9:23am
T - Time for bed: 11pm ish

U - Unknown Fact about me: There are pleanty.
U - Unicorns: Annoying
U - You are:clearly a friend if i am going to send this to you

V - Vegetable you hate: Lima Beans
V - Vegetable you love: Cucumbers
V - Voice: Loud

W- Worst Habits: Messy and distracted
W- Where are you going to travel next?: Gulf Shores
W - Where were you born?: Columbus Ohio

X - X-Rays:For the love of God, I know my way around a radiology center
X - XXX: sigh...
X - Xylophone: not since kindegarden have I seen one of these

Y - Year you were born: 1977
Y - Year it is now: 2006
Y - Yellow: Great Coldplay song

Z - Zoo Animal: Flamingo
Z- ZodiaC: Pisces
Z - Zoolander: I just dont get it.