Not Quite Martha

greetings from the trenches..

busier than a one armed coat hanger.
busier than a whore at shore leave...

you get the picture. i picked up a consulting gig this week, and its kicking me in the ass. i really believe this project could lead to some HUGE changes for me.

so much is going on, and I will fill in later with the details.

drive by

I have learned that I dont look good in Green. Jealousy Green that is.

I have NEVER been a jealous person a day in my life, for the most part. Thats a strong statement, and I am starting to ramble, BUT, in general, I am not a jealous person.

Until the last few months.

I don't know what the hell happened to me,  but I have a unrelenting jealous monster that has taken up residence in my body. This Jealous Bitch, lets call her Lola, seriously overcomes my entire body and fills me with doubts, dread and misgivings about a number of things.

Last night, I was green. I saw green, I think I may have singed my hair with green ends. I lost my cool completely. Totally.

I want Lola to go away, and I want to stop being like this.

SNAP out of It!

Ok, now that I got some of that off my chest, I wanted to share a picture of me from last weekend-

This time last week I was working on my tan in Alabama!

The Long, Hot, Wet...

Shower. Yes, I just took a 45 minute shower. Why? Because I can. Water conservation be damned, I needed to think, and my best thinking is in the shower.

Internet, I have a lot to think about. I am constantly struggling with all the choices I have been making. Am I going in the right direction? Am I doing the right thing? Hell if I know.

I find myself at a loss of words more often than not. That bothers me. I just don't know what to say anymore. I am having a hard time communicating with my friends, writing here, talking to my family.

I can see very clearly WHAT I want, but I can't seem to find the words or the right actions to get me where I need to be.

Is there a vitamin that I can take that can help this out?

I have an evil twin....

and, no, I am not talking about YOU. Anyhoo... I have a girlfriend.. her name is Vanessa.

We are pretty much cut from the same cloth- right down to the fact that we both got out Junior League letters today! 

Check out her blog, She wrote about me today, and I am egotistical enough to want to share it with the world.

Mama I'm coming home...

Hey there- its me. I am tan, and am in much more control of my career right now.

I have had about eleventy billion hours to think about my life and what I want out of it. I finally figured out a few things.

Boundaries are important things- not just from a personal perspective, but also professionally. Making the decision about what I want to do, how I want to do it, and who makes the decisions for me are all very important- dont you think?

I'm flying back to DC tonight, and I cant wait. I cant wait to talk to some of my friends, see some people, and just BE in this place that I chose to be home.

As Skynrd once said...

Big wheels keep on turning
Carry me home to see my kin
Singing songs about the Southland
I miss Alabamy once again
And I think its a sin, yes

Well I heard mister Young sing about her
Well, I heard ole Neil put her down
Well, I hope Neil Young will remember
A Southern man don't need him around anyhow

Sweet home Alabama
Where the skies are so blue
Sweet Home Alabama
Lord, I'm coming home to you

In Birmingham they love the governor
Now we all did what we could do
Now Watergate does not bother me
Does your conscience bother you?
Tell the truth

Sweet home Alabama
Where the skies are so blue
Sweet Home Alabama
Lord, I'm coming home to you
Here I come Alabama

Now Muscle Shoals has got the Swampers
And they've been known to pick a song or two
Lord they get me off so much
They pick me up when I'm feeling blue
Now how about you?

Sweet home Alabama
Where the skies are so blue
Sweet Home Alabama
Lord, I'm coming home to you

Sweet home Alabama
Oh sweet home baby
Where the skies are so blue
And the governor's true
Sweet Home Alabama
Lordy
Lord, I'm coming home to you
Yea, yea Montgomery's got the answer

Thank the baby Cheesus, NQM is taking her self to 'Bama to see her girls.

It is with lighter heart that I haul my cookies to BWI in the morning, because I know that I am seeing Stephanie  at 11:35am tomorrow morning. I can NOT wait to see her. I can NOT wait to see the rest of my friends that will be there this weekend. God help me, I have been dying for some time down south and with my friends.

In the next 7 days, I need to make a pretty huge decision dear internet. To move to Atlanta, or to stay in DC. I have an offer on the table right now from a company in Hotlanta. The only way it will fly is if I move down there. I have no earthly idea what to do. I am hoping that I can get some advice and perspective from some of my oldest friends this weekend. I am not up to another move. Not at all.
I like my life here. I like what I am building. There are things that I havent finished yet, and I wont be satisfied till I see somethings through.

But its a good job.

So, I am going to do what most irresponsible adults do- screw worrying for a few days, head to 'Bama and deal with it on Sunday night as I head to Georgia.

First things first...

I want this. Here is a picture.

I am exceptionally mellow today. I cant describe it. Its this quiet peaceful feeling that I havent felt in months. Frightening that I am currently unemployed, but well, my bills are paid, i have a bit of cash in the bank, and well, things are ok.

I am also listening to this. Specifically "Carnival Town". For some reason, this suits my moment right now.

I have been thinking a lot this week. Thinking about all the crappy platitudes that everyone keeps throwing at my face. Some of them are true. Some people are suprising the hell out of me this week- in a good way. Some friends are amazingly supportive, whereas others are, ahem, less than.

I think about the path that I have taken to get here.Choices, decisions, etc. Everything I have been doing lately has lead me to where I am at right now. I am learning about making smart decisions. Setting boundaries, and learning to enjoy what I have right now. My second grade teacher, Miss Anna Maslij, used to teach us "What you have is the best for you"-

By cracky, I think she had something there....

What a day...

I don't even know where to begin.

Today has been an emotional roller coaster. Significant highs and lows. Family stuff, friend stuff, and figuring out what I want to do when I grow up.

I did realize a few important things. I want more control of my career and my destiny. I have been working since I was 14. Yep, 14. My first job was for my mom. I have always worked for someone else, and as much as it has provided shelter and food, its time to look for more.

I always joke that I want to be a lady who lunches. Really, that isn't too far from the truth. I want to find a balance between my career and my community involvement. I want to give back as much as I can. I want to find a job that satisfies me, but it is not my everything. I want to have time to do things for myself. Impossible goal? I don't think so. In fact, one of the things I have realized is that I want to write more. Maybe a cookbook, maybe a novel, maybe eleventy million blog entries about mostly nothing.

I have to admit, I have had an amazing variety of jobs. I have worked with musicians, I have cooked in large hotels. I have sold $400 bottles of wines. I have traded securities, I have checked in celebrities. I have learned the intricacies of medical insurance. I have learned about the importance of documentation in a medical arena. Each job I have had has taught me much, and has made me a better person. I often times have had two jobs- partially for financial reasons, but more over, I have always enjoyed working in the F&B industry, and like to have my hand still in that proverbial pot.

So whats next? I have no earthly idea. What more, I almost like the unknown. I do know I want to be able to work from home if at all possible. I want to utilize the amazing technology that we have at our hands. I want to conserve gas by not being on the road all the time. It's time for a new adventure.

Insomnia

Good morning internet. Whats happening?
Clearly one of the byproducts of unemployment (grrrr) is the inability to sleep.Especially unusual given the amount of Blood Orange Martini's I consumed last night. The amount alone should have put me into a coma for three days. That's actually a bit of an exaggeration, but still, I should be in a deep restful sleep for at least another three hours. What do I have to wake up for?

There will be today multiple posts on multiple topics. Each topic is brewing in my head right now...I got a lot of fodder last night and cant wait to entertain. Remind me to talk about the "three e's", finding your inner asshole, and speaking in the third person. That one is my favorite.

Well, since I am up, I might as well go apply for some jobs.